I’ve started my week off quite productively by power hoovering the whole house, this involves hands and knees across each room with just the hoover nozzle. A technique first pioneered by my Sir and the only one that works well enough on our tiny roomed house, the Dyson in all its glory is just too big. Packed my Man off to Homebase for some weed killer and he came back with: weedkiller, sealant, dead sealant scraper, garden fork, grass seed, kitchen mop and lightbulbs – thus proving you shouldn’t let a man go to a DIY store unsupervised.
We’ve now managed to turn a sizeable chunk of the ex lawn over and pulled out some of the bigger bramble roots, I’m hoping it’ll now rain tons so I don’t have to get my arse out there and water all the weedkillery stuff in. Rain damn you!
Next on the list is the boiler man tomorrow who has to replace most of the boilerheatingplumbing stuff so the boiler turns on when I want to wash my hair, scraping all the manky old sealant off the kitchen sink and bath, getting my Man to redo with shiny new sealant and then yet more gardening.
Slightly more fun things on the card for the week include seeing friends on Tuesday for some rocking out on the 360, being taken to a big out of town Boots to buy new girly things and hopefully going to do some photography.
Still don’t seem to have shaken whatever germs I and the rest of my office have, spent all day at work with ear ache and pain all up one side of my back, have sulked extensively at my Man and been generally useless. I hate being this tired, just makes me feel like I’m wasting time which is true but I can’t help it so why should I feel bad? Besides I waste time most of the time, I have the whole of next week off to waste because I’ve made sure to do most of the housework so I don’t sit around playing games and feeling guilty about not tidying up. Genius!
Interestingly the Man has made several comments about not smacking my bum because I’m sick, this is after a weekend where I was held very firmly on the bed and spanked rather hard by him. This is despite him having decided not many weeks ago that he’s not really a Dominant type. Mixed signals as ever with him but I’m very proud that he’s becoming more confident and relaxed within our relationship.
One thing I always notice when a relationship draws to an end is that my Man and I become closer, whether this is because he wants to look after me or because we simply become stronger as a couple for sharing new feelings and experiences, it’s hard to say and could easily be both and more.
I am sad though, I’m sad for what might have been, I’m sad that my Sir couldn’t or wouldn’t try for me but if I’m not what he wanted I can respect that, I just wish he’d had the balls and sense of self to have talked about it with me instead of pushing me into the situation where I had to decide for the both of us. It’s a lot of responsibility and it should have been shared, I wish him no ill will certainly and my pride is only mildly wounded but I find it hard to feel much because I just put every single protective wall up and become increasingly analytical and removed.
My little girl is hurt though, the bit of me that still wants to trust and love everyone that I meet before my adult kicks in and thoroughly disapproves of the idea, I felt I had met someone that matched me and loved me through and through and maybe he did or does, I’ll not know now because I doubt I’ll ever hear from him again and that saddens me as well, the loss of a friend, the loss of someone who knew the in jokes and the stupid sayings, the loss of someone who obsessed over what I was doing or wearing and more disturbingly over cutlery, ribbon and grocery shopping.
Most of all it saddens me that he’ll just walk away instead of dealing with the feelings and being all the better for it.
An email from my Sir this afternoon:
“Thanks for the email.
This is not the response it deserves. I know that.
I can’t give you what you want. Do what you feel is best. x”
Even with two afternoons off this week has seemed a bit endless. More to do with my moodswings then anything else I imagine, though work has grated with it’s endless series of frustrations and idiots. Started the week on a high and felt I was getting better with confidence and everything related and as the days went on I’ve just gotten more and more down. Wrong time of the month to be a hormonal shift so really don’t know what the fuck is up, I feel a bit lost without my Sir to get at me about what I’m wearing or not wearing as is more often the case.
He’s busy working on some work project so a typical day’s contact will be a vague email or text enquiring after my general wellbeing, no emotions or desires, I think I’m finding the shift in relationship pattern hard going as I’m a creature of habit. A few months or even less ago I was his soul mate and now I just don’t hear from him. I miss him but I can’t express myself well, I think it always comes out as “you’re not being enough” or something similar which isn’t the case.
I’ve just been getting on with the daily grind and not thinking about it too much I guess, I shall get bored of being a mardy bitch soon.
Edit – feeling a bit better after a fit of anger over shitheads that did nothing to help my abuse, small rant at a friend that took a joke too far and lots of text messages from my Sir.
Totally not been feeling well this week plus work has been incredibly busy so I’ve just gotten in each night and wanted to curl up in bed and sleep for 48 hours. It’s very hard to think or feel sexy but my Sir still got me horny enough to beg him to tell me to bring myself off on the phone to him while he demanded I clipped eight pegs to my cunt.
I’m looking forward to this weekend as he’ll be visiting my Man and I to take us out to dinner, my brat apparently needs a good smacking beforehand so I have to sit in the restaurant feeling very small. A text he sent me this morning outlines what I can expect:
“In case that isn’t clear. If you continue to act like a spoilt child you will have the tear streaked face along with a pink and hurting bum to make you look the part when we go out to eat”
So many reasons to look forward to Friday.
I don’t know whether I’m coming or going today with my moods, the overall feeling has been one of being trapped not by anything or anyone, maybe by myself although in what regard again I don’t know. A friend summed it up well by saying it was like a massive temptation to push the reset button on your life but that makes no sense. I have a good job, roof over my head, two men that love me, I’m losing weight, gaining confidence and there is nothing especially negative aside from my past that I could run away from.
Whenever I used to feel this I would go and stand in the garden and burn the backs of my hands with cigarettes and for a bit I would feel better, more focused and settled so the need to run away from me didn’t feel so strong. I sometimes have the same response when being physically punished like the pain is somehow connected to being in a different place in my mind. I wondered whether the challenge of dealing with the hurt gives me a fresh target to work towards, that there is no other thought just the will to manage what is happening to my body.